An Ugly Glimpse

I came to work thinking it would be a normal day. It started out that way. I entered the youth office and found Clay working at his desk. I took a seat at mine and began working. After a few minutes had passed Clay got up and told me he was heading to a meeting with our senior pastor and church administrator about confirmation. This was a normal meeting that had been on the schedule for a while so I didn’t expect anything outside the norm.

He had been gone just a few minutes when I saw the church’s head of security come around the corner. I started to wave hello, but as soon as he saw me he turned and bolted out without saying a word. “That’s weird,” I thought. A few minutes after that, the associate pastor Alex came by and stopped at our office doorway. “Hey Matt,” he said in a strangely bewildered fashion. “Pastor John asked me to come get you to take you to a meeting in his office with the two of us.” “Ok….” I replied. “Any idea what it’s about?” “No clue but he said to head there now so I guess we’d better get going.” I got up, grabbed my keys and phone, and headed out to Pastor John’s office with Alex. This felt weird…it felt off. I said as much and Alex agreed. I wish I could say he was being real with me in that moment.

We took a seat in John’s office and waited. We were the only two in there so the awkwardness was still very thick in the air as we waited for Pastor John to arrive. A couple more minutes passed and I felt my phone buzz. I picked it up and saw an email notification from the church. It was from the church administrator. It read: Clay has resigned from the position of youth director effective immediately.

My stomach dropped. I knew Clay had expressed some unease about his job recently but I was sure if he had made a decision to resign he would have told me. If he intended to resign at a meeting about confirmation I felt sure he would have told me that before he left…he would have said…something. He hadn’t and I now felt very uneasy and panicked. It felt like I had just put my phone back down when Pastor John, the church administrator, and the church’s HR rep walked into the office.

They repeated the information that I had just read. That Clay had “resigned.” At that point Pastor John went into a long diatribe about all these problems he had with Clay. How he had become very dissatisfied with his work, and had felt this way for some time…long before I had been hired. I was hearing these problems for the first time. He started criticizing Clay’s approach to teaching confirmation…how Clay was making kids “prove” their faith in order to join the church. I had helped Clay develop his plan for confirmation. I knew that wasn’t true.

At this point I was told I would now be the “interim” youth director. Rather…I was told, “We’ve decided to keep you because I know your family. You come from a great family,” said Pastor John. “Coming from a family like that I didn’t think it was fair to let you go, so we’re going to retain you as the interim youth director.” Many things stood out to me from that statement….they decided to KEEP me…which meant there was definitely a discussion about NOT keeping me…and I was being kept because the pastor…liked my family? Considering this was one of very few conversations I had ever had with most of the people in the room I was still very confused. Interim youth director? They continued. I was told the intention was for me to be the interim youth director for the next 6 months…and at that point they would hopefully have or have begun a search for the next youth director. I would be allowed to stay on as the assistant youth director at that point if I so chose.

The other people in the room tried to encourage me or hold me up. The HR director said, “We know you’re friends with Clay and this probably feels difficult…but we need you to make a decision by tomorrow. They also asked me to limit what I said to Clay if I talked to him at all. It was clear they preferred I didn’t. I was also told Alex would take over confirmation, and Alex said to me that, “when you look in the mirror tomorrow you’ll be looking at the youth director of one of the 100 biggest churches in our denomination.” All of these things were said to try and make me feel better. It felt more like an ambush.

I had only been at this church for 8 months. My wife and I had moved there within our first 2 years of marriage. I didn’t feel like I had any choice but to accept their “generous” offer until I could get my head above water. I did reach out to Clay. I was deeply concerned…it honestly felt like he had died. The head of security who I saw trying to stop by the office...had been there to oversee Clay clean out his office. Clay told me he had been given a choice…”resign” and get 3 months’ severance and a personal reference from Pastor John…or be terminated and have nothing. It was also made clear to him that if he “resigned” he was under no circumstances to communicate with any youth from the church. That if he did, or made this conversation public...he would lose his severance. Clay and his wife who worked freelance from home had two kids under the age of 4 so he really didn’t have an option. The following Sunday while speaking to youth and their parents Pastor John told them that if they or their kids wanted to ask Clay questions or wish him well…they were free to reach out to him. My blood boiled.

Clay wasn’t just my boss he had become one of my best friends. Throughout this day and these conversations I kept going back to what Pastor John told me when I met him during my in person visit & interview for the position. “I’ve been in ministry for 35+ years and I have never worked with a youth director more talented than Clay.” It was a big reason I said yes to the job. I kept thinking…either the pastor straight up lied to me about how he felt about Clay…or it only took him 8 months to be convinced to fire the best youth director he had ever had. I was very uncomfortable with both options. To me, Clay was one of the best I ever worked with in youth ministry. He didn’t deserve to get fired. He certainly didn’t deserve to get fired like that. Despite this I now had my first real experience with the ugly side of church…and I hated every second of it.